Let’s Go Back

Before you, i could stand alone. I was used it and i knew i was strong. Somewhere though, between the beginning and now i lost my strength and forgot how to be independent. You carried me even when i could walk and you became my rock even though i stood on solid ground. You said you would never leave and that’s when i let my guard down. That however was a huge mistake because it made me forget who i was. I melted into you and i thought that without you i could not survive. The thought of having to survive without you never crossed my mind because you promised you would never leave. But then somehow things changed and the rock beneath my feet began to shake. The one carrying me dropped me and my safe haven became a nightmare. Those once sweet words that once rang in the air like honey became bitter like vinegar. Good intentions turned into meaningless gestures and the hurt became normal. In the midst of this all , i lost who i am. I am no longer the girl i once was and you are no longer the boy you once were. We know who we want to be but we are stuck in the mess we made. We put everything we had into the pot and now we have nothing left to give. The one who should love me, hurts me and the one i should love, i hurt. Where exactly did the love go? Where did the laughter and smiles go? What happened to the spark? Those are questions we know the answer to but aren’t willing to say out loud for fear it would only make the truth more real. There is pain in love but is it worth it? Is the temporary happiness worth the permanent pain and scars that leave you in a heap on the floor? We lost what was most important and if we can ever recover is still a mystery. I need to stand alone. I need to love who i am, the me before you. I need to rediscover myself. I need to know that i am strong. Whether or not that can happen with you in the picture is what scares me the most. I want you. I want the love and happiness that i can see in the future with us. I don’t want the pain that i feel when i look at you and sickening feeling i get when i say i love you for fear of losing you. I wanna go back to better times when we were careless and free to be who we are and loved unconditionally because that is what we deserve. I just wanna forget everything else and go back to what we once were.